1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Squidboards now has its own Discord server!

    Join us on Discord!

  3. Welcome to SquidBoards, the largest forum dedicated to Splatoon! Over 15,000 Splatoon fans from around the world have come to discuss this fantastic game with over 150,000 posts!

    You are currently viewing our boards as a visitor. Click here to sign up right now and start on your path in the Splatoon community!

  4. Hi Guest,

    As of June 3rd you will no longer be able to log in to Squidboards using your Smashboards account. Please take a look at the announcement for additional details

.

Discussion in 'Original Content' started by lonelyrollingsquid, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. lonelyrollingsquid

    lonelyrollingsquid Inkster Jr.

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2015
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    12
    NNID:
    Selfcat
    Deleted this
     
    #1 lonelyrollingsquid, Jul 13, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2015
  2. Aykorn

    Aykorn Inkling Commander

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    182
    NNID:
    A_korn
    Switch Friend Code:
    SW-5939-8938-2753
    :D Oh boy, you're creating you're own fanfiction too?! I hope this is the start of something good. >u< Get ready to write, 'cause you can do this!

    In any case, critiques:
    Mmm here's some general things...
    The first paragraph or so was a tad redundant in that all the sentences started with "She."

    Also, I feel like... the pacing is a little off?

    The description that went into that one sniper shot made it feel a lot longer then the actual moment.
    On the the other hand, the emptiness after the match is described so briefly that it's harder to imagine how Jay must be feeling, though reading it over she's obviously left feeling a mix of emotions....
    I usually feel like it's easier to ruminate on negative emotions even if it's bad, but we hear Jay's thoughts mostly in that first portion.

    But a couple things I do like. One: You have not fallen for the "my immortal trap". The descriptions of characters (that we'll hopefully meet up with later) are kept brief and to the point, but specific and interesting.

    Two: It's clear! Reads easy. The dialogue isn't confusing, 'cept for transitioning to nameless people, but the story is just laid out nicely.

    I will say this, it seems like you've got the bare bones done well, but what your story could use is the someone to edit it over and give you feedback, on ways to embellish it.
    Not saying I'm offering... but I might be... okay, I probably am.
    >.> If you want, I'm a better editor than writer and I'd totally love to help polish your work?? If you want.
     
    #2 Aykorn, Jul 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
    lonelyrollingsquid likes this.
  3. lonelyrollingsquid

    lonelyrollingsquid Inkster Jr.

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2015
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    12
    NNID:
    Selfcat
    Dude thanks for all the feedback! Also I'd love for you to be my editor. I kind of struggle with placing my finger on things that are off or missing from my writing.
     
  4. Aykorn

    Aykorn Inkling Commander

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    182
    NNID:
    A_korn
    Switch Friend Code:
    SW-5939-8938-2753
    :D Awesome!
    I guess, PM me with rough drafts or we can talk about editing in other ways? :> Whatever works with you, I look forward to it!
     
    lonelyrollingsquid likes this.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)

We know you don't like ads
Why not buy Premium?