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Aykorn

Inkling Commander
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:D Oh boy, you're creating you're own fanfiction too?! I hope this is the start of something good. >u< Get ready to write, 'cause you can do this!

In any case, critiques:
Mmm here's some general things...
The first paragraph or so was a tad redundant in that all the sentences started with "She."

She beamed as she heard her teammate shout the compliment before she turned her attention back to reclaiming the oranged turf. She grinned when another unknowing orange inkling walked into her fire and was sent back to the nearby spawn.

She had got this game in the bag. She had been matched up with a co-operative team and with two whole minutes still on the clock, had already boxed the opponents into their spawn. From the way things were going, there was absolutely nothing that would prevent them from sweet victory. She felt on top of the world.
Also, I feel like... the pacing is a little off?

The description that went into that one sniper shot made it feel a lot longer then the actual moment.
and soon she was gone, leaving Jay alone in the empty turf war lobby.

Through the glass doors of the foyer she could see that the sun was beginning to set and realized it was probably time for her to leave as well.
On the the other hand, the emptiness after the match is described so briefly that it's harder to imagine how Jay must be feeling, though reading it over she's obviously left feeling a mix of emotions....
I usually feel like it's easier to ruminate on negative emotions even if it's bad, but we hear Jay's thoughts mostly in that first portion.

But a couple things I do like. One: You have not fallen for the "my immortal trap". The descriptions of characters (that we'll hopefully meet up with later) are kept brief and to the point, but specific and interesting.

Two: It's clear! Reads easy. The dialogue isn't confusing, 'cept for transitioning to nameless people, but the story is just laid out nicely.

I will say this, it seems like you've got the bare bones done well, but what your story could use is the someone to edit it over and give you feedback, on ways to embellish it.
Not saying I'm offering... but I might be... okay, I probably am.
>.> If you want, I'm a better editor than writer and I'd totally love to help polish your work?? If you want.
 
Last edited:

lonelyrollingsquid

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Dude thanks for all the feedback! Also I'd love for you to be my editor. I kind of struggle with placing my finger on things that are off or missing from my writing.
 

Aykorn

Inkling Commander
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Dude thanks for all the feedback! Also I'd love for you to be my editor. I kind of struggle with placing my finger on things that are off or missing from my writing.
:D Awesome!
I guess, PM me with rough drafts or we can talk about editing in other ways? :> Whatever works with you, I look forward to it!
 

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