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Squiggly's incredibly in depth step by step guide on how to succeed in Splatoon 2!

Mr. Squiggly Squid

Inkling Commander
Joined
Oct 10, 2017
Messages
384
Location
Seashell Suburbs, North Inkopolis
1. Evolve into a society-based bipedal creature with opposable thumbs.
2. Invent electricity, or have someone else invent it for you.
3. Buy a Switch and Splatoon 2 (or better yet have someone give you them as a gift).
4. Call your parents to hook the dang thing up for you because you have no clue how.
5. Order a pizza to give you something to eat for the next several hours you'll be playing this game.
6. Turn on your Switch and choose Splatoon 2 in the menu
7. Make your inkling (if you make a boy, make sure to pick the fourth hairstyle option or else you're dead to me).
8. Demonstrate to Nintendo that you do, in fact, have a brain by completing the tutorial.
9. Press ZL and ZR at the title screen (you don't need me to tell you to do that).
10. Just keep hammering the A button to skip all that Off The Hook stuff you don't care about.
11. Go buy a new controller because you broke the A button on your old one.
12. Go to the big tower in the middle so you can play multiplayer (again, you shouldn't need my help).
13. WIN WIN WIN (If you don't win, just remember that you were technically second best).
14. As soon as you can, buy the Splattershot because the Jr. is trash.
15. At level 4, go buy yourself some gear so you don't look like a pleb anymore.
16. Keep playing until you unlock Ranked.
17. Play Ranked. Now, if you're some super salty try hard that only cares about his rank and forgot turf war even existed when he unlocked Ranked (*cough* Rockenberg *cough*), then so be it. But if you're like me and just wanna have fun...then have fun.
18. WIN WIN WIN AGAIN (If you don't win this time around, just think to yourself "Hey, it could be worse...I could be playing Overwatch Comp.").
19. Eat the pizza (it's getting cold).
20. Wipe your greasy fingers off with a napkin or whatever else you can find.
21. Don't forget to take the occasional break to rest, but make sure you wait at least an hour before going swimming after eating the pizza.
22. Do not take the Switch to the pool with you.

And viola! Follow these simple steps and you'll be a pro in no time!
 
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