I wish you would listen! Just- listen. But no… you just want to pretend that I’m fine, want me to pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. You call it drama, but then again of course you would. You don’t know what’s going on in my world… you don’t argue with voices in your head pelting you with lies! You don’t have a gaping hole of empty darkness inside of your soul! You don‘t stay awake at night second-guessing every choice youve made, worrying that you’ll lose everything and everyone and it will be because of you. You dont blame yourself for every single thing tht goes wrong in the world. If you had these problems, you don't show it. Surely you’d be more sympathetic- more empathetic- if you knew what any of that felt like. Instead you try everything in your power to try to cheer me up and “make it better.“ You tell me that I’m overthinking things, that it could be so much worse, that I should “just be happy.” NO! I won’t, because I can’t, because that black hole inside of me swallows up every bit of brief joy I come close to finding! I cry when I have a happy moment, and revel in sitting in the dark, sulking, and crying til I have no more tears left. Yet I hide it, and smile through the pain, because that‘s exactly what it is. Laughter may be the best medicine- at least, that’s what they say- but sometimes the brightest smiles hide the deepest pain. But then there’s you, I know you’re going through so much yourself, but you built your walls and plastered that stoic, blank, stony look on face, and you look down on me whenever I’m the one who starts to crack. You pick out every flaw instead of focusing on the light inside me, which only helps to damper that light. But guess what? All this pain? Most of it isnt even mine… not exactly. It’s the pain of people all around the world. What I want more than anything is to share in people‘s pain, to go through what they have so that I can understand their hurt better. I wish you felt the same.. but all you think is, “Don’t be one more depressed little girl with one more problem needing to be solved. Just be happy.” No… as long as people out there are hurting inside like me, as long as they go unheard and unfelt like me, I won’t be happy. Not til I know I have helped someone out of their darkness and been their light. I didnt really have anyone to be my light in the beginning, yet all I wanted was to be the light for others. Be the light of the world. And guess what… that pain made me stronger, made my light burn stronger. Now, I may not know who i am or what my worth is… but I know my purpose, and my purpose is this: to find others whose lights- whose sparks of hope- are burning low, are all but flickering out, and relight them using the power of hope, of love. Of kindness and empathy, of understanding. To say the words people need to hear, the words no one ever bothered to say to me. One of these days I won‘t just be a light, I will be an unstoppable force, sharing hope and love like a match starting and spreading a wildfire. I feed on my emptiness, fill up others’ emptiness. Use my fear and pain as fuel and wear my scars and bruises like war paint. Go ahead, they can kick me with their dirty looks and stab me with their sharp words and do their very worst- let them. But I assure you, I will always get back up. Because I am a survivor, a warrior. So, sorry if you don‘t like how distant I am, sorry if you wish you could “fix me,” because you can’t. But just know, it’s the walls that are crumbling, the glass that is breaking- not me. Being broken gave me fight, and one day you’ll watch me rise. I will let out a scream, but that scream is a battle cry, a phoenix song that bursts from my lungs as I spread my wings, take to the skies, light on fire, and rise from the ashes. All you have to do is listen. Hear me. Feel me. I’m crying, screaming, singing out even now. Can you hear it, echoing in the agonizing silence? Listen….
