Yay, Team Fancy won!
Told you guys Team Fancy was the way to go, and fortunately, most of y'all agreed.
This Splatfest wasn't as bad as Sandcastles or SpongeBob. Disconnections/lag were at a minimal, probably because I mostly played with sleep-deprived Japanese people. (I was playing between like 4:30 PM and 7:30 PM Eastern! They should be asleep!)
Still, it was basically playing hours of normal Turf War without friends being able to drop in. I definitely, definitely don't want global Splatfests. Part of the Splatfest fun is having names you can read be your teammates and trying to bond with them. I couldn't even tell if my Japanese minions dropped out or kept going because the names all look the same to me anyway.
I finished above 1400 (where I started) so obviously I helped Fancy's win rate, but getting from Champion to King was sooo much harder than Fanboy to Champion. I lost more than I won there.
Didn't play against my own team even once.