So I was going to go on here to talk about how great Splatoon was today.
BUT NO.
NO NO NO.
THE GAME HAD TO **** ME.
SO I PLAYED RAINMAKER. BIG ****ING MISTAKE.
I GOT TO S 94. 94! GREAT! I LOVE SPLAT ZONES! ME AND MY TRUSTY LUNA KICKED ***!
BUT THE GODS OF RNG MUST HAVE SEEN THIS, AND DECIDED, "F.UCK THAT GUY. LET'S GIVE HIM RAINMAKER. AT FLOUNDER HEIGHTS.
AS AN ADDED BONUS, WE'LL GIVE HIM MUSEUM D' ALFONSO, BUT HE'LL NEVER ACTUALLY GET TO PLAY ON IT."
MY *******, KNOWING THAT I AM ABSOLUTE GARBAGE AT RAINMAKER, THOUGHT "SOUNDS GREAT! I'LL NEVER GET BETTER AT RAINMAKER IF I DON'T PLAY IT!" WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID WAS "THE LUNA DOESN'T HAVE THE SUFFICIENT RANGE TO BE OF ANY USE AGAINST THE PLETHORA OF SPLATTERSHOTS AND DUAL SQUELCHERS OUT THERE, NOT TO MENTION THE COWARDLY LITTLE ROLLERS THAT LIKE TO LIE IN WAIT FOR YOU (EVEN THOUGH I DO THE EXACT SAME THING WITH THE LUNA), I SHOULD BACK OFF, AND DO SOMETHING ELSE."
I ****ING SWEAR. I PLAYED MUSEUM D' ALFONSO FOUR TIMES. OUT OF 50 (ROUGHLY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO COUNT IT, BUT I GUARANTEE THAT 50 ISN'T MUCH OF AN EXAGGERATION). THERE'S MY FIRST PROBLEM. THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S RANDOM. I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S SOME GAME DEVELOPER OUT TO GET ME, BUT THAT THIS GAME'S MATCHUP CALCULATOR IS COMPLETE TRASH. 4 A RANKS AND 4 S RANKS? SURE, LETS PUT 3 S RANKS ON ONE SIDE, AND ONE ON THE OTHER. THAT'S A FAIR MATCHUP. LETS MAKE SURE EVERY SNIPER IS ON THE SAME TEAM TOO. OH YEAH, DON'T FORGET THAT EVERY ****** THAT HAS A BUBBLER NEEDS TO BE ON THE SAME TEAM, WE CAN'T HAVE THIS GUY WINNING.
AND DON'T EVEN ****ING GET ME STARTED ON THE HORSESHIT THAT IS THEIR POINT SYSTEM. WOW, MY FIRST WIN AFTER LIKE 10 LOSSES! AGAINST TWO S+ RANKS, WHEN WE JUST HAD NORMAL S RANKS! SWEET! oh. 4 points.
DAMNIT! I LOST AGAIN! WE HAD TWO A+ RANKS AND TWO S RANKS, AND THEY HAD ONE A AND A+ RANK INSTEAD OF TWO A+ RANKS. oh. -8 points. YEAH. OKAY. SURE. WHATEVER. NO PROBLEM.
AGGGGHHHHH GO **** YOURSELF SPLATOON! I'M OVER THIS ****! THIS IS THE 7TH GOD DAMN TIME THAT YOU'VE PUT ME UP INTO THE 90'S, ONLY TO DROP ME ALL THE WAY ****ING DOWN. GREAT, NOW I'M BACK TO S 40. IT ONLY TOOK MILLIONS OF +2 VICTORIES TO EVEN GET NEAR YOU, BUT NOOOOOOO. WE CAN'T HAVE THAT! THANKS AGAIN! ONCE AGAIN, I SCREWED MYSELF. ONCE AGAIN, I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO PLAY SPLATOON A LITTLE LONGER. ONCE AGAIN, I LET MY PRIDE GET COMPLETELY CRUSHED AS I REALIZE HOW HORRIBLE IT IS THAT I'M GETTING THIS ****ING ANGRY AT A ****ING VIDEO GAME. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I REALLY WISH THAT SOMETHING COULD BE DONE TO FIX RANKED MODE, BUT I'M NOT EVEN ALL THAT CONFIDENT THAT IT IS ALL THAT BROKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. WAS IT REALLY JUST BAD LUCK?
Best wishes, Ethan Salinas~